On Rekindling

 

Last year we admitted that 2021 was a bit of a shitshow whirlwind, so it was a pretty stark change that 2022 felt (at least in comparison) relatively calm. And yet, when I think back on this year it might have been less hectic and stressful but it was actually a lot more adventurous!

A lot of this year was defined by saying “fuck it” and throwing caution to the wind. We ghosted texts from people who weren’t worth the energy; and yet we dropped things and ran for others who were. We hit the road and solo-adventured to familiar shores (dog always in tow); we caught flights and pillaged unfamiliar shops (trusty faux-husband planning the route). We set not one but many fires (literal and otherwise) and we found our grounding in a pattern of seeking through random acts of whimsy and wonder. Our journey might still be an undefinable work in progress, but at least it’s ours - and at least we had fun along the way. Here’s to seeing what new (and old) adventures we have in 2023!

Most used emoji: 🙌🏻

Sometimes we were throwing confetti, and others we were throwing hands. Make of that what you will. 

Most spun album: Peaky Blinders soundtrack (seasons 1-5)

An album that we picked up and didn’t stop spinning for 3-4 months, through the grimy winter and into the burgeoning light of a very late spring. An album that took my hand, walked with me through the darkness, and brought me back to a more honest (if not necessarily lighter) place. 

Fav read: 

We read books that were fantastical (Faeries of the Faultlines), books that were meditative (A Prayer for the Crown Shy), books that made us want to run through grass fields at sunset/rise (Honeycomb), books that made us roll our eyes at insider-nonsense (Art on Deck), books that always make us laugh (Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging), and not just a few books that made us Believe. 

Vibes that we’re bringing forward into 2023: more. Just more of all the things that continue to rekindle us. 

More fire. 

More quiet moments. 

More beach days. 

More solitude. 

More friends. 

More last minute plans. 

More laughter. 

More wonder. 

More shenanigans. 

More ridiculous outfits. 

More puppy snuggles. 

More art. 

And maybe, most of all, more life.

A View from the Stacks: a 2021 Retrospective

How to even begin summing up the year that was 2021. What a whirlwind, what a shitshow, what a year. 

If 2021 was anything, it was a year that defined what was really important to me. Whether it was a reminder of what doesn’t work or rediscovering that taking a leap of faith isn’t as scary as it seems, this year pushed my boundaries so far out of my comfort zone that I’m not sure we want to (or can) go back. 

Things that resonated with me this year:

I read a lot this year (even if I didn’t meet my reading goal), but the book that’s still on my mind is T.J. Klune’s From Under the Whispering Door. Contemplating death, love, and finding a new lease on life (yes, in that order), its themes have definite 2021 vibes. We can blame my Scorpio moon placement, but books about death are a sharp (and much needed) reminder that I often need to keep redefining life as I go along. 

My soundtrack for the year alternated between my Scorpio Season and Summer Vibes playlists (regardless of the season), but the track that seemed to be on an infinite loop more often than not was Sum 41’s “Fat Lip.” What can I say; being a punk was never a phase, but sometimes I need the reminder that “I’ll never fall in line, and become another victim of your conformity.” I may work an office job, but the “A” in Archivist also stands for Anarchist.  

Weekly episode drops for shows are the new bane of my existence, but to be honest I’m kind of loving the ritual of mixing a cosmopolitan and sitting down to watch the latest episode of “... And Just Like That” on Thursday evenings. Thursdays have always had good vibes for me, but seeing the continued adventures of Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte are a perfect blend of new nostalgia that hits just right. My prediction (and hope) for the show: Samantha will be back eventually, because it’s just not quite the same without her sparky sense of humour and sexuality. 

The big leap:

Besides spending a lot of time reinvesting in myself and setting boundaries in my relationships with the world at large, the big event of the year was getting on a waitlist and following through on a surgery. Those of you who have known me for years know that having children has never been part of my life plan (and to the rest of you, FYI! haha), and I figured that now was as good a time as any to get this out of the way. So I scheduled the appointments, talked to the doctors, and booked a date to get my tubes tied at the end of July. Weird coincidental timing with the guy I was dating at the time, general fear of medical procedures, and extended recovery period aside, I’m glad that I finally made this happen. When I got the go ahead from my surgeon back in February a friend asked me: “How do you imagine you’ll feel [...] afterwards?” and I finally have the answer: fucking amazing. Fullstop. 

Vibes that we’re bringing forward into 2022:

Being more of a Carrie, and less of a Charlotte. Don’t worry, we’ll always be a Miranda at heart, but a bit more sparkle and a bit less domesticity is a lot more fun. 

Choosing sunlight when we can (and moonlight when we can’t), since we never know when it’s going to disappear under a cloud of smoke again. 

From the media we ingest to the stores we choose to shop at; from our social media etiquette to our interactions with the world at large: more quality, less quantity. 

Howling more at the moon. Maybe it’ll be out loud, or maybe we’ll keep it to ourselves, but being silent was never really our vibe in the first place. 

The summary: 2021 was obviously so much more than these brief glimpses, but it’s funny how things kind of crystalize in retrospect and the big things become smaller while the small things become bigger. Tomorrow we might be looking back on different moments with different thoughts, but regardless we’ll still be moving forward. So here’s to whatever 2022 brings.

Of Living and Dying, and the Stories we Read Inbetween

If there’s one thing that people know about me, it’s that books (and the stories therein) are my first true love. From the earliest story times on the orange-carpeted steps at the library to perusing crowded tables of secondhand books under a bridge in London, there seems no place in my life which hasn’t been touched by my love of reading. 

It should come as no surprise, then, that I’ve always felt the need to engage in the myriad stories that surround me in a deeper sense. 

After I finished my undergraduate degree, which was expectedly rife with the enforced reading that an English/History Major entails, I figured that to keep my writing habit going (and to curb the endless stream of intake slightly) I wouldn’t just keep a book journal listing everything I had read; I would write, as well. Not nearly so formally as I had to for the completion of my degree, but in a way that still provoked a deeper thought process. Enter the world of social media, combine that with a book journaling project for my Master’s degree, and the results are history: shared book reviews for the world to see - or at least a handful of friends and colleagues who enjoy stories equally as much, and who don’t mind my occasionally fangirl-toned reviews of books I absolutely adore. As I opined years ago: booknerds, why aren’t you all on Goodreads and LibraryThing?! That’s where the good bookish times are at!

We dabbled briefly in Bookstagram (Instagram’s not-so-secretly nerdy sub-community): a project that lasted about a year before I got tired of being confined to posting strictly bookish content. Are we really surprised by that change, either? Instagram is great, but its lack of dedication to books meant that my ever-changing interests couldn’t hold fast to the single-focus of a book page nor could my ever-changing aesthetic. (Similar reasoning also halted the creation of a proper Tucker dogstagram account, in addition to his complete lack of regular cooperation for photos… but that’s another story). Sure, I’ll still jump into #bookstagram style posts occasionally (today being a case and point), but mostly we keep the reviews confined to Goodreads and LibraryThing, with teasers to head thattaways in my stories. 

So that’s where we’re at today: still reading (voraciously), still reviewing (semi-critically), and still obsessing over certain books that take our breath away (give me a whimsically cranky protagonist and an exceptional setting, and I’m there). If you’re curious what the latest one is, head on over to Goodreads or LibraryThing. I’ll see you in the stacks!

The Historian

Maybe it’s the plight of the historian that we see too much. 
That we spend so much time looking at the past
That we no longer see it as anything but an endless wheel turning and turning
And turning the turmoil and hurt we see in endless repeat 
    into dispassion.

The black and white (if there ever even were) blurs to become an endless field of grey.

Punctuated by moments of light, to be sure, but more often

Swathed in a sea of darkness and misdeed. 

Blinded, we become, even as our eyes continue to see what is 

    apparently hidden. 

So no. 

We are not shocked. 

We are not surprised. 

But yes, 

We are furious. 

(Still).

Solstice

Between the fires of Beltane and Samhain the shadows begin to

Lengthen
As Sun begins a hiding game
And Moon chases the light.

As we were bathed in new light we found the world revealed; 
New paths forward
Away from a broken past that kept us bound.

Yet in the dark our own is revealed; 
Finding a truth and knowledge
(hidden)
About why we left and how we can love forward.

The light may have brought us out from a darkness in the world,
But our own dark must be balanced by a steady glow within.

Untitled

Fuck grounding. 
Walk with me through the fire and flames. 

From the ashes grow a new spring

fed by an earth renewed

Not through destruction but through cleansing.

Paths made barren by a wasteland of past

hurt and anger and emptiness

Should still be walked, one foot in front of the other. 

As we come to the edge of the cliff and peer over

to depths unseen and unplumbed

The path is not broken, so much as changed.

Choose to walk the edge and find a new way,

feet still leading forward,

Or better yet, build a bridge and learn to fly.

Fuck grounding. 

(Take my hand) 

Walk with me through the fire and flames.

Becoming

Begin at the end, they said. 

And so she turned her face towards the full-bodied moon and howled. 

And then again when the moon was gone, to call it back to her night skies. 

Make love, they said. 

And so she found a man with the heart of a lion. 

One who roams the wild, alone, and yet alongside her wildness. 

Collect the bones, they said. 

And so she dug deep, pulling remnants from her chest which no longer served. 

Bones to be honoured and then buried in the woods to be returned. 

Listen, they said. 

And so with eyes closed she brought silence to the screaming world around her. 

In the white noise the words she needed to hear became clear. 

Raise the children, they said. 

And so with a softening she turned to her inner child in remembrance. 

Standing tall for those who are not yet grown and yet someday will be. 

Be grounded in belief, they said. 

And so she questioned and answered and kept her friends close. 

Building a forest of strength, so like a tree surrounded she would not fall in the storm. 

Walk the earth, they said. 

And so she ventured, journeying far but always returning. 

Sometimes staying close, to find new secrets in the familiar and the known. 

Sleep, they said. 

But she was not yet ready, and so drifted and dreamed alongside the stars. 

Asking questions amongst them until the dawn brought awakening to her soul. 

Feast, they said. 

And so she did. 

On all the world had to offer, 

And in return she learned and grew and

Became.