How to be Fabulous - All the Time

image from here

One of my favourite movies, The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, is the inspiration for this week, and since the three main characters are always fabulous, I thought it would be fitting to share some of my style rules with you dear readers.

1. Sweatpants are to be worn at the gym, when exercising, and at home. Even if they’re Lulu Lemons’ they should not be part of your regular wardrobe. It’s sloppy, and lazy, and tacky.
2. Learn to colour coordinate. Or just wear black all the time. People will either think you’re really artistic, or really depressed, which is still better than looking like a rainbow mess.
3. Keep your clothes on and pull your pants up. This is more for guys than girls, but seriously no one wants to see your underwear or your flab.
4. Plan your outfits the night before. Checking the weather forecast only takes a minute, and then you’ll have plenty of time to figure out if you should wear the little Gucci dress, or the little Gucci dress.
5. Don’t listen to the fashion magazines until you know how to dress yourself. Not everyone can pull of sequined skinny pants, and it’s better to be conservative than look a fool.
6. Buy a full length mirror. They’re only $10 at Wal-mart, so wtf are you waiting for.
7. Keep that razor away from your head. I’m not a fan of asymmetrical outfits, and I am not a fan of a half-shaved head. Bad hipster, bad!
8. If it’s see through, it’s probably not for you.
9. Unless you’re in the military, stay away from the camouflage fatigues. It’s not like camouflage hides you in the city, so it’s not helping you shake those stalkers!
10. Learn how to walk in heels. It’s not that difficult, and it’ll immediately class up your outfit.

I could probably come up with 100 more how to be fabulous style rules, but we’ll leave it at 10 for now. Share yours in the comments!

This is not your Grandmother’s Closet!

Tired of wearing solid colour blocks? Tired of matching black with black? Need to add some personality to your wardrobe? It might just be time to start experimenting with prints. As with every area of fashion, there are things one should do, and even more things that one shouldn’t do. Each type of print has certain rules, and I’m here to explain them for you J

We’ll start with the basics. The most common prints are those that are simple, like stripes and polka dots. They’re seen the most, because they are probably the easiest to wear, and the least likely to go wrong. The key to successfully wearing stripes and polka dots is the size of the print. Smaller stripes and dots on someone who is curvy can often make their clothes, and therefore themselves, seem bulkier, while as larger strips and dots on a smaller person can overwhelm their outfit. My advice is to start with a medium-sized print, since they are the default for all body types, and work either smaller or larger depending on your size. The exception to this rule, is when the material has dots of varying sizes. In this case, I feel that almost anyone can get away with it, since the less regularized size of print does not create a monochromatic material (such as evenly-sized dots do). Stripes do not follow this rule though, and I would suggest staying away from any clothing where the stripes are not the same size or the size does not increase at regular intervals.

this size of polka dot is not quite right for the full-length dress that I found it on

this plaid had glitter in it. ICK!

The second pattern we’re going to talk about is one which is in the same family as stripes, but has a bit more personality. I’m referring to the traditional Scotch pattern that was brought back into fashion by designers such as Alexander McQueen, and one of my personal favourites: plaid! Plaid can easily go wrong in an outfit. It’s a very busy pattern, that generally contains more than one colour, and if worn wrong can come off as either being very retro (not in the good way) or too punk or country. My advice with plaid, is that if you’re going to make the venture, do so carefully, yet commit. If you want to use it to create a punky or country look then do it, but don’t mix genres of style. If you want to keep it relatively neutral, then do as I do: stick to Burberry’s classic tan plaid for handbags and outerwear, or invest in a single piece for your wardrobe. The only piece of plaid clothing that I own is a classic red plaid mini-dress from Le Chateau, and even though I don’t wear it very often, anytime I feel like dressing up like a vampire it comes in handy.

Like plaid, houndstooth is a very classic, but busy pattern. I’m not a huge fan of it, since it often looks matronly and reminds me of an old lady’s style suit (see the pink example), but I do own a tank top in red houndstooth that I am rather fond of. I’ve had to wear houndstooth in a very dressed-down way because obviously I’m not old enough to rock the “professional woman” look, and the only other piece of clothing that I would consider purchasing at this point in my life is a black and white houndstooth jacket.

Now we’ll move to graphic prints, which are some of my favourites. These can be either geometric or organic, and either way they are simply fabulous! Graphic prints are the best way to spice up a plain t-shirt and jeans outfit or a simply cut dress. They also make the transition to accessories quite well, since there is no real restriction concerning size. They may constantly repetitive, but they do so in a more interesting way than stripes or dots, and they don’t tend to have the same problems with adding bulkiness to an outfit. What I like best about graphic prints is the sheer variety. I have so many outfits and shirts with graphic prints that it was hard to choose which ones to showcase, but I think that the white urban-geometric and green organic kaleidoscope are two prime examples of how well graphic prints can work. The white is from a shirt, and the green is from a shift dress, both of which sport clean lines, yet are in no way boring outfits. 

One of the best graphic prints, but one which I see gone wrong more than right are florals. 70s-inspired flower power is never really going to go out of style, especially with the increase in the popularity of the green movement, but there is such a thing as over-doing the greenery. There are three key problems that I see constantly with people wearing florals: the size of the print, the colours of the pattern, and how the pieces are worn. When you’re choosing floral pieces for your wardrobe you have to pick carefully. They are by definition, a feminine style-key, so not every piece of floral clothing is going to work. Dresses in floral are lovely, as are skirts, and shirts, but don’t even attempt to do floral pants. It may sound traditional, but women didn’t used to be allowed to wear pants, and there was a reason why. Pants are not feminine pieces of clothing; they’re masculine, so trying to put floral patterns on them is most likely not going to go over well. Jackets can be done in florals, but I would tread carefully in this rose garden, since it’s hard enough to find a properly fitted jacket, much less one with an interesting motif. Remember the rule I spoke about in regards to the size of stripe and dot? The same applies to floral prints for exactly the same reasons. Flowers can make an outfit look bulky if they’re not the right size. The biggest problem that I see with florals is very simple: colour choice. This may seem like a matter of taste to some people, but contrary to popular belief some colours just don’t go together. You can get away with almost any colour of flower pattern, depending on your skin tone and the rest of the outfit of course, but steer clear of flower patterns that have too many colours (in this case rainbows are not appropriate), and patterns that have too many neutrals. I often see brown as an accent colour, and am disgusted because brown is not a very flowery colour. To me it’s reminiscent of dead greenery, so why would we want to have it mixed in with lively flowers?

all I can say about this is...
EW!

An easy way to use florals is to wear lace, since flowers are often key in lacey patterns. The great thing about lace is that it doesn’t come in a rainbow of colours (unless it’s dyed, and that’s a whole other fashion error…), so it’s hard to screw it up. Adding a single lace accessory or piece of clothing adds instant texture to an outfit, as well as class. My favourite are lace-overlay headbands, layered lace flower hair pins, and simple lace wraps.

zebras come in purple,
don't they?

My favourite pattern of all is animal print. I believe that every woman should have at least one piece of animal print clothing, and at least one pair of shoes. Whether it’s leopard, zebra, or snakeskin, all are equally fabulous and adding just one piece to any outfit adds instant glamour. Even if the material is synthetic (like my metallic bronze snakeskin boots) or coloured (like my purple zebra print trench), they’re still beautiful pieces, and are guaranteed to get you noticed. You can wear pretty much any animal print on any piece of clothing, the trick is to not over-do it. If you’re wearing a leopard print top, choose neutral pieces for the rest of the outfit so that people aren’t overwhelmed. Also, don’t try to mix and match multiple animal prints, unless you want to look like you’re a member of an ‘80’s hair band, which I admit would get you noticed on the street (just maybe not in the way you would have hoped).

the classiest of animal prints :)

That should be all for now dear readers, but if I’ve missed a print that you’re curious about, or have any specific questions just leave me a comment and I will totally get back you. I don’t want any of my readers making any fashion errors!

Dante's Tenth Circle

It is my opinion that Dante must never have had to work in customer service, or there would have been an entire tenth circle of hell described in the Divine Comedy. As a military man during the intense political conflict between the Ghibelline and Guelph factions in Italy over the legitimacy of the Roman Papacy, we can surmise that Dante may have been more tolerant of criticism from his peers, due to the heirarchical and strict nature of the military. Yet while he was not participating in battles, he was also a member of the physicians and apothecaries guild, and was employed as a pharmacist. His choice to be a part of the working world does not seem to have been influenced by the need to work, since his family was of the middle social class, but was ultimately a sacrifice to be made in the name of Dante’s political career. To hold a public office and be eligible to vote on important matters, one had to be employed by one of the city’s commercial guilds (a hold-over from the time when the guilds ran the politics of the city, before the time of career politicians). So whether Dante liked it or not, he was subject to the whims and fluidity of the customer service industry, even though it does not seem that his choice to be a part of the work force influenced his literary achievements, and it is obvious that the Divine Comedy was largely inspired by the political and religious ideals of the time.

In the Inferno Dante lampoons politicians, thieves, heretics, and the generally corrupt population of the world, yet there is no mention of the world’s true criminals. I’m referring to the segment of the population who feels that it is tolerable behavior to harass, berate, and emotionally abuse those who work in the service industry.

What I would like to know is why these horrid people behave this way. God knows that we all feel completely entitled in this day and age, but do we really need to take out the negativity in our own lives on the people who are serving our food and ringing through our boxes of shoes? When I was a child, I was taught that when someone does me a favour, no matter how small it may seem, to thank them and not to complain if it is not done entirely correctly. Everyone knows that I LOVE to complain, and that I can find fault with almost anything, but I am the last person you’ll hear to criticize my server if my food is a little cold or they take ages ringing through my purchase. In the meantime I continue to be polite to my server, and wait until I have left the establishment to voice my concerns. What I’ve learned from this is that if you are polite to the people who are serving you, then they have no reason to be impolite to you, therefore you will get better service, and even if they are rude to you then you know that you are the better person.

Yes, they are being paid to be there, but harassment is not covered in their contracts, and they do not get a bonus for not bitch-slapping rude customers. If they did, they would all be rich, and would no longer have to work there.  No amount of money covers the random abuse that cashiers worldwide are subject to, so why should customers expect to be allowed to yell at them. Do they like being yelled at when they are at work? I think not. The majority of the time, these people are only doing their jobs, or at least trying to, and it is the uninformed customer who is the reason why their jobs are so difficult. Understanding on the customers’ part is important in any store, which is why I make it a point of trying to explain store policy to any customer who comes within earshot, in the hopes that someday this knowledge will make my job, and that of my co-workers, easier. If a mistake is made by a cashier, chances are it is because they have not been trained properly (which is all too much the case these days with the high staff turnover that many businesses are experiencing), or that they are simply exhausted from having to put up with people who just don’t understand the basics of customer etiquette.

So here are some handy little tips, that I consider to be key in being a good customer (as you should all be striving to be!):

1. Read the signs; they’re there for a reason.
2. If you don’t understand something, then ask someone who does.
3. Don’t complain. Chances are the cashier can’t do anything about it, and your negative attitude is not going to want to make them bend the rules for you.
4. Don’t pay in pennies. Seriously. Roll them up and take them to the bank!
5. Don’t start in on your life story. Trust me, they don’t give a damn.
6. Don’t come in 5 minutes before closing, unless you’re actually only going to be 5 minutes. They all want to go home and live their lives, just like you do!
7. Most importantly, just be nice, and if you can’t do that, then just say nothing at all 

To finish it all off, a rather apt quote from everyone’s favourite French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre: “Hell is other people.” You tell them, Jean-Paul!

They’re called pants, learn to wear them.

If there’s one thing that I notice about fashion in Victoria in the last year, it’s the increase in girls who wear tights as pants. They are worn under shorts, under skirts, under long shirts, under dresses, and pretty much any time you can imagine. These ways of wearing tights is perfectly accepatable. Most importantly the tights serve a function (as well as being a fun accessory) to keep us wearing our spring and summer wardrobe well into the fall and the winter months. They also cover up an excess of skin below the thigh, they create a slimming effect on the legs, and they create a variation of an already complete outfit.

The problem is with the combo of short shirt and tights.

Issue one: Tights are not pants, and they never will be. They’re made out of spandex girls, and not the thick cotton-blend spandex that is used for athletic wear, but just regular thin spandex. That means that the material is going to stretch and rip and ladder and become see-through in areas where we (the public) have no interest in seeing! Pants are made out of thicker material for a reason!

Issue two: Underwear: we know you’re wearing it (or not…). The wonderful thing about spandex is that it creates a mold to your body. Which means that when you wear a short shirt we can see your entire unshapely ass, and all the lines of your underwear. Or, in many cases a lack of underwear. Which, I think, is technically a worse phenomenon…

Issue three: This fad is very much kept going by the hipster contingent, and we all know how much I hate the hipsters that populate this city. I know you’re all trying to be ironic, but what’s really ironic about not wearing proper pants? Is it ironic that you’re just too goddamn lazy to actually get dressed in the morning? It takes just as much energy to put on tights as it does pants, scientifically speaking. Or do you feel like your lack of underwear is an ironic statement of your anti-political tendencies? Last time I checked, “the Man” didn’t really give a fuck if you were wearing underwear or not, since he’s going to fuck you over anyways.

Since it’s the giving season, I’m going to be a nice webmistress and give all of you faithful readers out there a simple solution to the tights problem: learn to wear them properly or be prepared to be mocked and then lampooned on my blog J Be lazy and don’t put on real pants, but at least throw a pair of shorts, a skirt, or a dress/shirt of appropriate length over top. Cover it up, since seriously, no one wants to see that…