They’re called pants, learn to wear them.

If there’s one thing that I notice about fashion in Victoria in the last year, it’s the increase in girls who wear tights as pants. They are worn under shorts, under skirts, under long shirts, under dresses, and pretty much any time you can imagine. These ways of wearing tights is perfectly accepatable. Most importantly the tights serve a function (as well as being a fun accessory) to keep us wearing our spring and summer wardrobe well into the fall and the winter months. They also cover up an excess of skin below the thigh, they create a slimming effect on the legs, and they create a variation of an already complete outfit.

The problem is with the combo of short shirt and tights.

Issue one: Tights are not pants, and they never will be. They’re made out of spandex girls, and not the thick cotton-blend spandex that is used for athletic wear, but just regular thin spandex. That means that the material is going to stretch and rip and ladder and become see-through in areas where we (the public) have no interest in seeing! Pants are made out of thicker material for a reason!

Issue two: Underwear: we know you’re wearing it (or not…). The wonderful thing about spandex is that it creates a mold to your body. Which means that when you wear a short shirt we can see your entire unshapely ass, and all the lines of your underwear. Or, in many cases a lack of underwear. Which, I think, is technically a worse phenomenon…

Issue three: This fad is very much kept going by the hipster contingent, and we all know how much I hate the hipsters that populate this city. I know you’re all trying to be ironic, but what’s really ironic about not wearing proper pants? Is it ironic that you’re just too goddamn lazy to actually get dressed in the morning? It takes just as much energy to put on tights as it does pants, scientifically speaking. Or do you feel like your lack of underwear is an ironic statement of your anti-political tendencies? Last time I checked, “the Man” didn’t really give a fuck if you were wearing underwear or not, since he’s going to fuck you over anyways.

Since it’s the giving season, I’m going to be a nice webmistress and give all of you faithful readers out there a simple solution to the tights problem: learn to wear them properly or be prepared to be mocked and then lampooned on my blog J Be lazy and don’t put on real pants, but at least throw a pair of shorts, a skirt, or a dress/shirt of appropriate length over top. Cover it up, since seriously, no one wants to see that…