How to be Fabulous - All the Time

image from here

One of my favourite movies, The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, is the inspiration for this week, and since the three main characters are always fabulous, I thought it would be fitting to share some of my style rules with you dear readers.

1. Sweatpants are to be worn at the gym, when exercising, and at home. Even if they’re Lulu Lemons’ they should not be part of your regular wardrobe. It’s sloppy, and lazy, and tacky.
2. Learn to colour coordinate. Or just wear black all the time. People will either think you’re really artistic, or really depressed, which is still better than looking like a rainbow mess.
3. Keep your clothes on and pull your pants up. This is more for guys than girls, but seriously no one wants to see your underwear or your flab.
4. Plan your outfits the night before. Checking the weather forecast only takes a minute, and then you’ll have plenty of time to figure out if you should wear the little Gucci dress, or the little Gucci dress.
5. Don’t listen to the fashion magazines until you know how to dress yourself. Not everyone can pull of sequined skinny pants, and it’s better to be conservative than look a fool.
6. Buy a full length mirror. They’re only $10 at Wal-mart, so wtf are you waiting for.
7. Keep that razor away from your head. I’m not a fan of asymmetrical outfits, and I am not a fan of a half-shaved head. Bad hipster, bad!
8. If it’s see through, it’s probably not for you.
9. Unless you’re in the military, stay away from the camouflage fatigues. It’s not like camouflage hides you in the city, so it’s not helping you shake those stalkers!
10. Learn how to walk in heels. It’s not that difficult, and it’ll immediately class up your outfit.

I could probably come up with 100 more how to be fabulous style rules, but we’ll leave it at 10 for now. Share yours in the comments!

Fashion Citations

Sorry for skipping my regular post yesterday, but I  swear I have a good excuse. I volunteered (in a moment of insanity) to work an extra shift on what should have been my day off. A 5am shift. UGH. Never again! I wasn’t really capable of writing properly yesterday, so I just sat and watched Sex and the City re-runs instead of being productive.

But on to today’s topic: fashion no-nos!

A few weeks ago I stumbled upon something incredible when I was browsing through our local Chapters. I was stunned, amazed, and immediately had to have it: a little notepad of “fashion citations.” Finally! A solution for when you spot someone who is making a fashion error! Just find their crime on the notepad, check it off, and give them the citation. In essence, it’s like a speeding ticket, but for people who can’t dress! You can see what the tickets look like on the Knock Knock website, and even buy one if you so choose! They also have lots of other cute stationary sets that are just as amusing and useful as the Fashion Citations notepad (I have the In My Humble Opinion journal).

So basically this week, I’m going to go through some of the crimes listed on the Citations list and offer some simple solutions!

Crime: Accessories Abuse

Solution: Learn to control the impulse to over-indulge. Accessories can easily overwhelm an outfit, so keep it simple. Go for a fancy necklace OR earrings, a bling ring OR a bracelet, and choose a belt or hair accessory that is in proper proportions to the outfit.

Crime: Camel Toe

Solution: Seriously. Buy clothes that fit properly. No one wants to see that!

Crime: Excessive Denim

Solution: Unless you’re George Harrison circa Abbey Road, steer clear. The urban cowgirl look is SO Jessica Simpson during the late 1990s.

Crime: Holiday Sweater

Solution: I can’t stand the tacky sweater party trend that pops up during the Xmas season. No one looks good in them. In fact, they all look rather ridiculous. Is it so hard to wear nice sweater? There are plenty of adorable winterwear, so why the obsession with tacky sweaters?

Crime: Ill-Advised Spandex

Solution: You’re not a gymnast or a figure-skater are you? So why would you ever consider wearing spandex in regular life? Spandex blend yes (yay for stretchy jeans), but pure spandex is for athletes during athletic events only!

Crime: Inappropriate Bulge(s)

Solution: This one is for all my male readers! NO BANANA HAMOCKS! You know what I’m talking about gentlemen…

Crime Indecent skin display

Solution: This is the one time when I agree with the guy who said that girls shouldn’t dress like sluts if they don’t want to get raped. It’s not that difficult to cover-up properly, so why are you not wearing half of your clothes? Did you get mugged? No? Then PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!

Crime: Matchy-matchy

Solution: Mix it up! You don’t have to wear the same thing head to toe, so why wouldn’t you switch up the style and pattern. Mixing patterns and styles is what creates texture and interest in your outfit!

Crime: Overly Informal

Solution: For everyday wear, this is fine, but I’m going to harp a bit on people who go out wearing their pjs. I’m not sure who told them all that wearing your sleepwear in public was acceptable, but it definitely isn’t! If it was, wouldn’t we all just sleep in our regular clothes?

Crime: Peekaboo Underpants

Solution: I remember when it was a huge fad in my high school for guys to wear their jeans down around their knees. Sometimes it’s funny (smiley face boxers do create smiles, even if the lookers are laughing AT the wearer), but the majority of the time it’s just tacky and inappropriate. Underwear is meant to go under your clothes, hence the name…

Crime: Sock with Sandals

Solution: I see this literally every day. And every day it makes me cringe. If you want your entire feet covered then wear shoes. Sandals are meant to show off feet, not cover them!

Crime: Trend Victimization

Solution: To me this is the worst fashion crime that you could commit. Just because it’s “in” doesn’t mean that it’s right for you. Different things look good on different body types, so don’t assume that just because it looks good on the store mannequin or in the pages of Vogue that it will look good on you (unless you’re a model obviously, and for that shame on you!). It might also do you good to look outside what you see around you, and find things that you actually like, and not just rely on what everyone else is wearing. I personally make a point of wearing exactly what I want regardless of what the trend forecasters say shall be the style. Sure, I do buy new style things, but only if I like them for my own reasons, not because it’s been pre-ordained by others!

The (Fashion) Bible

Sometimes the stuff between the covers of Vogue is not to my taste, but I still consider it to be the most influential fashion tome in my magazine library. Unlike most of the other fashion magazines out there, Vogue actually has some artistry to their editorials, and it’s not just a catalogue of what’s in and what’s not. Obviously some issues are better than others (yay August, boo March), but I can generally find something that I adore.

As a way to combat basic fashion errors Vogue is a good place to start, so I urge anyone who is in doubt of the contents of their closets to go and pick up an issue of Vogue. You may not like everything in it, but I’m sure that you’ll find something that suits your tastes! Now is definitely the time to do it too, since the August issue is pretty good, and I bet that the September issue (hurry up and get here already!) is going to be even better!

photo from here

Judging People, It’s What We Do

Just a warning: this week is going to be a complete bitchfest. Judgements and criticisms shall fly, and no fashion ne’er do well will be left without a dent in their ego. I’m getting sick of all of the poorly dressed people that I’m confronted with on a daily basis, and it’s about time that someone set them straight. 

photo from here

Disappointment at it's Best

This week has been chalk full of disappointment, and I am so annoyed/frusterated that I don't even really want to blog about it, even though I swore I would.

I was planning a post all about how awesome Kate Middleton's fascinator was at the Royal Wedding. I was going to call it "Royal Fascination." It was going to be fabulous and whimsical, just like her previous millinary confections. But NO. She had to go and wear a veil and a tiara. Ok, the tiara was sparkly (and by definition gorgeous), but I was expecting a fascinator. According to the MacClean's article I read the other week she wasn't allowed to wear a tiara or a crown because she was a commoner (just like Camilla, who had to make do with a fancy hat), but I guess they bent the rules for her. Am not impressed. I wanted a hat damnit. It would been a wonderful addition to the millinary trend she's already started in the fashion world, but no, she had to jump off her own bandwagon at the last minute. For shame, Kate!

Since we're already at a rather angry place, we're also going to mention how annoyed I am with the results of the Canadian Federal Election. For those of my readers who aren't from our great northern nation, feel free to skip this section, since it's pretty much Canada-central, and has nothing to do what-so-ever with fashion. I was SO EXCITED that we were having an election. FINALLY. A chance to get Stephen Harper, and his Conservatives out of power. I did my duty, and voted for one of the other parties (I'm not going to say who though), but the rest of Canada failed to shake their addiction to the Tories. Seriously guys and gals, do we really want to become another acquisition to the USA? I would rather not, considering the non-socialized healthcare, problematic education system, and lower living standards. There's lots of other problems with the Conservative Party that I could talk about, but I honestly don't care enough to actually discuss them. But I'll leave you with this to ponder: do we really want a Prime Minister who wears sweater vests? There are a few people I know who can pull one off (KD you're fabulous), but Stephen Harper is definitely not one of them... Fashion statements may not be part of the official Conservative Party platform, but maybe they should be, considering how judgemental we Canadian youth are, and eventually we're going to be the only ones left, since old people die, so it's our votes you should be worried about!

Fast Fashion

Car movies aren’t just for boys you know. Case and point, the entire Fast and the Furious franchise. Sure, the plots may centre around guys, and the drama is all about cars, and building cars, and stealing cars, and wrecking cars, and racing cars, but these movies have some pretty good fashion moments (as well as some horrible ones…)

The first movie is full of fashion no-nos. The biggest one is that the majority of the main characters run around in wife-beater tank tops, all the time. They’re always dirty, they’re obviously not classy, the worst part is that one of them not only wears a wife-beater, he combines it with a MESH wife-beater. That’s right, I’m not kidding. I honestly feel sorry for the guy, because he looks nothing less than ridiculous. The only fashion-do that is made in this movie is that the protagonist, Brian, wears Converse the entire movie. You all know how I feel about Chucks, so there’s no need for words.

see the guy in the back row far left?
yeahhhh that's mesh >_<

Eva loves her neutrals

 2 Fast 2 Furious definitely kicks it up to second gear though (yes car puns, I know I’m a horrible person), since they introduce a proper female character who’s not just there as a sex object. Well, Eva Mendes is most well known for her physique, and she does show it off in the movie quite a bit (scene: tanning pool-side in a Bond-esque white bikini), but she has some gorgeous outfits in the film. Unfortunately since this is a “guy movie,” and it’s a bit older, it’s pretty difficult to find proper information on what she’s wearing in the film (read: impossible). But I’ve scooped up a bunch of photos of her outfits, and maybe you can tell me who designed them!

totally should have been a Bond girl!

love this dress!
(and the death glare of course) 

The 5^th (and hopefully last) installment of the series is coming out this Friday, and I’m hoping that the producers included a decent cut for the wardrobe department. But if they’ve spent it all on fast cars, and big explosions, I guess that’s okay too. Of course, there’s eye-candy already guaranteed (yum Paul Walker)! 

all I want for X-Mas :)

Spring Time = Sandal Time

Okay ladies, Spring has officially sprung in Victoria, and it's time to bring out our summer shoe collection. We've had days that have been nice on and off through March, but the good weather doesn't tend to last long enough for us to warrant digging out our sandals. But I have a feeling that after today the good weather shall stay (and it better if I have anything to say about it)!

The pair of sandals that you see below were some of my last shoe purchases before I left Kamloops and came to Victoria for school. I say "some of my last shoe purchases" because when I got these beauties, I also got 3 other pairs of shoes at the same time. There was a good deal on at Payless, okay, so I was totally justified in binge purchasing!

Of all my sandals, these ones have been my go-to pair, since they are not only super comfy, but they can be worn with lots of different outfits. I've worn them with everything from short shorts, to dresses, and everything in between. Hopefully they last for a while yet, since I don't think I'm going to be able to find a pair that is quite so comfy, and still super stylish.

Notice my green pedicure ladies? Don't ever forget to paint your toenails (or at least make sure they aren't all gross and haggard) before wearing sandals. It's almost as bad as wearing a dress and forgetting to shave your legs!

This is not your Grandmother’s Closet!

Tired of wearing solid colour blocks? Tired of matching black with black? Need to add some personality to your wardrobe? It might just be time to start experimenting with prints. As with every area of fashion, there are things one should do, and even more things that one shouldn’t do. Each type of print has certain rules, and I’m here to explain them for you J

We’ll start with the basics. The most common prints are those that are simple, like stripes and polka dots. They’re seen the most, because they are probably the easiest to wear, and the least likely to go wrong. The key to successfully wearing stripes and polka dots is the size of the print. Smaller stripes and dots on someone who is curvy can often make their clothes, and therefore themselves, seem bulkier, while as larger strips and dots on a smaller person can overwhelm their outfit. My advice is to start with a medium-sized print, since they are the default for all body types, and work either smaller or larger depending on your size. The exception to this rule, is when the material has dots of varying sizes. In this case, I feel that almost anyone can get away with it, since the less regularized size of print does not create a monochromatic material (such as evenly-sized dots do). Stripes do not follow this rule though, and I would suggest staying away from any clothing where the stripes are not the same size or the size does not increase at regular intervals.

this size of polka dot is not quite right for the full-length dress that I found it on

this plaid had glitter in it. ICK!

The second pattern we’re going to talk about is one which is in the same family as stripes, but has a bit more personality. I’m referring to the traditional Scotch pattern that was brought back into fashion by designers such as Alexander McQueen, and one of my personal favourites: plaid! Plaid can easily go wrong in an outfit. It’s a very busy pattern, that generally contains more than one colour, and if worn wrong can come off as either being very retro (not in the good way) or too punk or country. My advice with plaid, is that if you’re going to make the venture, do so carefully, yet commit. If you want to use it to create a punky or country look then do it, but don’t mix genres of style. If you want to keep it relatively neutral, then do as I do: stick to Burberry’s classic tan plaid for handbags and outerwear, or invest in a single piece for your wardrobe. The only piece of plaid clothing that I own is a classic red plaid mini-dress from Le Chateau, and even though I don’t wear it very often, anytime I feel like dressing up like a vampire it comes in handy.

Like plaid, houndstooth is a very classic, but busy pattern. I’m not a huge fan of it, since it often looks matronly and reminds me of an old lady’s style suit (see the pink example), but I do own a tank top in red houndstooth that I am rather fond of. I’ve had to wear houndstooth in a very dressed-down way because obviously I’m not old enough to rock the “professional woman” look, and the only other piece of clothing that I would consider purchasing at this point in my life is a black and white houndstooth jacket.

Now we’ll move to graphic prints, which are some of my favourites. These can be either geometric or organic, and either way they are simply fabulous! Graphic prints are the best way to spice up a plain t-shirt and jeans outfit or a simply cut dress. They also make the transition to accessories quite well, since there is no real restriction concerning size. They may constantly repetitive, but they do so in a more interesting way than stripes or dots, and they don’t tend to have the same problems with adding bulkiness to an outfit. What I like best about graphic prints is the sheer variety. I have so many outfits and shirts with graphic prints that it was hard to choose which ones to showcase, but I think that the white urban-geometric and green organic kaleidoscope are two prime examples of how well graphic prints can work. The white is from a shirt, and the green is from a shift dress, both of which sport clean lines, yet are in no way boring outfits. 

One of the best graphic prints, but one which I see gone wrong more than right are florals. 70s-inspired flower power is never really going to go out of style, especially with the increase in the popularity of the green movement, but there is such a thing as over-doing the greenery. There are three key problems that I see constantly with people wearing florals: the size of the print, the colours of the pattern, and how the pieces are worn. When you’re choosing floral pieces for your wardrobe you have to pick carefully. They are by definition, a feminine style-key, so not every piece of floral clothing is going to work. Dresses in floral are lovely, as are skirts, and shirts, but don’t even attempt to do floral pants. It may sound traditional, but women didn’t used to be allowed to wear pants, and there was a reason why. Pants are not feminine pieces of clothing; they’re masculine, so trying to put floral patterns on them is most likely not going to go over well. Jackets can be done in florals, but I would tread carefully in this rose garden, since it’s hard enough to find a properly fitted jacket, much less one with an interesting motif. Remember the rule I spoke about in regards to the size of stripe and dot? The same applies to floral prints for exactly the same reasons. Flowers can make an outfit look bulky if they’re not the right size. The biggest problem that I see with florals is very simple: colour choice. This may seem like a matter of taste to some people, but contrary to popular belief some colours just don’t go together. You can get away with almost any colour of flower pattern, depending on your skin tone and the rest of the outfit of course, but steer clear of flower patterns that have too many colours (in this case rainbows are not appropriate), and patterns that have too many neutrals. I often see brown as an accent colour, and am disgusted because brown is not a very flowery colour. To me it’s reminiscent of dead greenery, so why would we want to have it mixed in with lively flowers?

all I can say about this is...
EW!

An easy way to use florals is to wear lace, since flowers are often key in lacey patterns. The great thing about lace is that it doesn’t come in a rainbow of colours (unless it’s dyed, and that’s a whole other fashion error…), so it’s hard to screw it up. Adding a single lace accessory or piece of clothing adds instant texture to an outfit, as well as class. My favourite are lace-overlay headbands, layered lace flower hair pins, and simple lace wraps.

zebras come in purple,
don't they?

My favourite pattern of all is animal print. I believe that every woman should have at least one piece of animal print clothing, and at least one pair of shoes. Whether it’s leopard, zebra, or snakeskin, all are equally fabulous and adding just one piece to any outfit adds instant glamour. Even if the material is synthetic (like my metallic bronze snakeskin boots) or coloured (like my purple zebra print trench), they’re still beautiful pieces, and are guaranteed to get you noticed. You can wear pretty much any animal print on any piece of clothing, the trick is to not over-do it. If you’re wearing a leopard print top, choose neutral pieces for the rest of the outfit so that people aren’t overwhelmed. Also, don’t try to mix and match multiple animal prints, unless you want to look like you’re a member of an ‘80’s hair band, which I admit would get you noticed on the street (just maybe not in the way you would have hoped).

the classiest of animal prints :)

That should be all for now dear readers, but if I’ve missed a print that you’re curious about, or have any specific questions just leave me a comment and I will totally get back you. I don’t want any of my readers making any fashion errors!

Sunday Shoe Stories

Since I have such an impressive collection of shoes, I feel that I should make said collection a feature on this blog. So, every Sunday, you will all be introduced to a pair of shoes from my collection. There will be pictures of me wearing the shoes, and you’ll hear about the history of how I acquired the shoe, as well as reasons why I like them. But the most important part of the Sunday Shoe Story will be how each pair of shoes can change a person. Wearing different pairs of shoes puts me in different moods, so you’ll also hear about how each pair of shoes inspires me to show a different part of my personality to the world. Some of these stories will be entirely true, and from my own experiences wearing the shoes, but some will tend more towards fiction, as some of the shoes take me into a more whimsical headspace. Hope you all enjoy the first installation of the Sunday Shoe Stories!

To begin our story, we must start at the true origin; my first pair of non-practical shoes that I bought in grade 10. At this time in my life, I was not the discerning shopper that I was today, so this pair of shoes actually came from Wal-mart, which to anyone who knows fashion, is not exactly the trend-setting place for footwear. Yet to my 16-year old self, these shoes were perfect: they were heels, yet I could walk in them in relative comfort, and to top it all off they only cost me $5. Most importantly, these shoes fit the style that I was rocking at the time. Yes, I am sad to admit, but I was a convert to the “punk” style that was all the rage in my high school due to the musical influence from Avril Lavigne and Billy Talent (whose show I went to see when they graced Kamloops with a concert). Most people who actually consider themselves “punk” these days would scoff at hearing me cite Avril Lavigne as an influence of the genre, but what they don’t realize is that the style of punk that was popular in the early 2000s was largely because of Avril. The punk style still relied on classic black, and plaid patterning, but it had a softer tone. Plaids came in every colour, including pink, skulls were side by side with bows, and rainbows offset the dreariness of solid black. When I became a convert I followed all of these fashion rules: I bought black eyeliner, wore a lot of sarcastic sayings and band shirts (among them the phrase “stop staring at me” and Lillix), and I owned a pink plaid kilt and wore it over jeans.

Of course, I abandoned these fashion errors pretty quickly as I grew up, but the shoes stayed. I would never wear them again with a pink plaid kilt, but a poufy skirt or a pair of darkwash skinny jeans pairs with them seamlessly. When I strap these platforms on my mind goes back to a more innocent time in my life, where hanging out at the mall, and finishing my Macbeth homework was most important in my life, and not going to work every day and remembering to pay bills on time. The shoes allow me to be not the angry punk girl I was in high school, but the cute, but grown up, punk girl who still has some attitude left. Walking around the city in these shoes doesn’t get me labeled as one of the deviant punks who uselessly loiter in front of the McDonalds on Douglas, but instead gives people a little shock that there is such a thing as a “nice” punk girl. Adding just a touch of the punk lifestyle to an outfit isn’t going to get you labeled, but it gives the public a chance to see that not all punks can be stereo-typed as deviants and social rebels. It is possible to have anti-establishment ideals, and express them in a physical way through fashion, without affecting people in a negative way. For me, putting on this pair of wedges doesn’t just mean expressing my non-conformist ideals, it also reminds me of my happy childhood memories and that I shouldn’t let those times go entirely as I grow up. So next time you feel that your boring corporate life is getting you down, take my advice and bring something out of your closet that you haven’t worn in years (yet can’t bear to throw away) and actually wear it. It might just shake up your routine after all J

They’re called pants, learn to wear them.

If there’s one thing that I notice about fashion in Victoria in the last year, it’s the increase in girls who wear tights as pants. They are worn under shorts, under skirts, under long shirts, under dresses, and pretty much any time you can imagine. These ways of wearing tights is perfectly accepatable. Most importantly the tights serve a function (as well as being a fun accessory) to keep us wearing our spring and summer wardrobe well into the fall and the winter months. They also cover up an excess of skin below the thigh, they create a slimming effect on the legs, and they create a variation of an already complete outfit.

The problem is with the combo of short shirt and tights.

Issue one: Tights are not pants, and they never will be. They’re made out of spandex girls, and not the thick cotton-blend spandex that is used for athletic wear, but just regular thin spandex. That means that the material is going to stretch and rip and ladder and become see-through in areas where we (the public) have no interest in seeing! Pants are made out of thicker material for a reason!

Issue two: Underwear: we know you’re wearing it (or not…). The wonderful thing about spandex is that it creates a mold to your body. Which means that when you wear a short shirt we can see your entire unshapely ass, and all the lines of your underwear. Or, in many cases a lack of underwear. Which, I think, is technically a worse phenomenon…

Issue three: This fad is very much kept going by the hipster contingent, and we all know how much I hate the hipsters that populate this city. I know you’re all trying to be ironic, but what’s really ironic about not wearing proper pants? Is it ironic that you’re just too goddamn lazy to actually get dressed in the morning? It takes just as much energy to put on tights as it does pants, scientifically speaking. Or do you feel like your lack of underwear is an ironic statement of your anti-political tendencies? Last time I checked, “the Man” didn’t really give a fuck if you were wearing underwear or not, since he’s going to fuck you over anyways.

Since it’s the giving season, I’m going to be a nice webmistress and give all of you faithful readers out there a simple solution to the tights problem: learn to wear them properly or be prepared to be mocked and then lampooned on my blog J Be lazy and don’t put on real pants, but at least throw a pair of shorts, a skirt, or a dress/shirt of appropriate length over top. Cover it up, since seriously, no one wants to see that…